I would like to discuss a topic, I have found, that
no one really talks about in their adoption blogs. Every adoption works towards
one ultimate, thrilling, exciting moment; the referral call. This is when you
finally get to lay eyes on the little one that your heart and hands have been
preparing for, in some cases (like ours) for years. Jay and I have been anxiously
awaiting ours for nearly 3 years to the day. But, deep down inside, I had a
fear regarding our referral, one of which I had hoped I would never need to
experience. However, last month, my long awaited fear occurred. I am not sure
how common this fear is, because as I said not many talk about it, though I
know many have to experience it. While part of me wants to keep this subject
hidden out of shame and sadness, I would be remise if I didn’t disclose my
heart about the subject here, since unfortunately it is now part of our
journey.
I have harped on Jay for, well probably a lot of
things, but one in particular which I feel is very important is memorizing my
phone number. In this day and age, its really not necessary given the ability
of our phones to store countless of hundreds of contacts and phone numbers, but
if something “big” happens and he doesn’t have his phone, I always want him to
know how to get a hold of me. We are working on teaching Jayden our phone
numbers for the same reason. To be honest, I likely only can recount a few
phone numbers off the top of my head but its important non-the-less. However,
if you were to ask any waiting adoptive momma the phone number of her adoption
agency, I bet she could at least belt out the area code quicker than you could
grab a pen. You see, when you are in the waiting phase, your phone is never
really that far from your earshot. You want more than anything for that phone
to ring and that ID to be your agency calling with news of your referral. I
know that when 503 (OR) comes across my phone, my life at that moment stops,
because my agency is calling.
Last month, “OR” the 503 area code came across my caller
ID, quite unexpectedly. Under normal circumstances I would have been ecstatic,
except I didn’t feel the pitter patter that I had long anticipated. You see, I
knew that China was technically “closed” because of their new year and I was
confused more than anything regarding why our agency would call. It was our
program director and she had come across a little guy that they wanted our
family to consider. He was not listed with our agency, but with a shared list
of agencies. Our agency partners with a few particular orphanages, but there
remains a shared list, where kiddos who are not assigned to particular agencies
or who have been difficult to place are kept for people to look through and
consider. Our faithful director,
while waiting for our orphanage to complete adoption paperwork, was continuing
to attempt to find families for children off the shared list. I cant explain
it, but the call from the beginning did not feel right….this was the call we
had both longed for and yet there was more unease than excitement. She gave us
some basic information, sex, age, special need and asked if she could send over
the information for us to review. When we heard the information, we grabbed our
computers and waited in a weird, awkward silence for the email to arrive.
The picture was of a little boy, he was darling,
just as our director had implied…we scrolled through what little pictures it
contained and then opened his file. Our director did explain that his situation
was unique. His file was not up to date; it was nearly a year old without
recent medical checkups, photos, or videos. Most of his file was not even translated.
Our director had never worked with the orphanage where he was located, and due
to the weird holiday and closing of Chinese government offices, we basically
had 24 hours (instead of 72 which if of the norm) to decide on whether to move
forward. The email came at 7pm and Jay was leaving early the next morning to go
out of town. So in reality, we had maybe 8 hours to decide. While the out dated
information, the unknown orphanage, and their small time slot to decide were
concerning in and of themselves, there was even more concerns and uncertainties
with the file itself. As I mentioned, it was out dated, not all in English,
with little photos and no video. We were told he had a relatively minor medical
condition but as I scrolled through his file I saw a very brief mention of
something a lot more concerning. It could have easily been over looked and it
was only mentioned once. I thought I had seen something in one of the photos
that looked suspicious and this was confirmation of that sense. Now, we did
have the choice to move forward and ask the orphanage to do an update on his
medical file, but they could say no. We could have our international pediatrician
review the file but she charges $400 per review, so it is not something to jump
into lightly. There were so many factors to consider, so many unknowns…..
We didn’t really speak at first. I have seen videos
of people looking and reviewing their referral file…their smiling faces, their
“glow”, their excitement and aww of their soon to be new family member. If
there was a video, this is not the picture it would have captured that night.
We both knew without even needing to speak that this wasn’t right. But, how
could we say no to a person? How could we say no to a child? We started this adoption
not to build a family per se, but to give a family to someone who needed one. Here
we were faced with well…a face, a life in a file, a little one who needed a
family and a home, and a mom and a dad, and we were unable to say “yes” enthusiastically.
We had doubts, uneasiness, unrest. There was no peace. We decided to pray on it, and the
following day I fasted for several hours just thinking of what our next step
should be.
There will always be “the unknown” in adoption.
There will always be “surprises” that we will not know about beforehand. I have
read enough books to know to expect the unexpected. But, one thing I will always demand in our journey, not just
for us but for the children out there needing families as well, is
transparency. Adoptions go wrong when things are hidden, or swept under the
rug, or not fully disclosed. I want to know what everyone who has cared for
that child across the world knows. I want to be as prepared for the care that
our child will need, at least as much as I can be. Ultimately, Jay and I felt
as though too many red flags were present. We choose to decline.
My heart has been hurting since. Not that I think
we made the wrong decision, but I pray that that little one has a family say
“yes” to him soon. I pray daily that God does not put us in that place again….and
I pray that we feel God’s grace and peace over the next referral. That is what
we are waiting on more than anything, because that, despite what challenges the
next child may have, will push us out of ourselves and make us boldly step out
into the waters with HIM.
