Over the last couple of months Jay and I have been
patiently awaiting the next group of referrals in hopeful anticipation of
finally seeing an end to this long wait and beholding our little love located
on the other side of the world. The second group of referrals finally posted a
few weeks ago, but we unfortunately have little good news to share. I have
written previously about what it feels like to say “no” to a referral, an
experience we had dreaded from the start. I wish I could say that saying no was
the worst feeling throughout this whole process, but unfortunately we now know
a far worse one…
Let me digress a moment…over the last several
months, we have had a pretty open communication line with our adoption agency.
As an advocate, I am often aware of things going on behind the scenes so to
speak with our agency and the Chinese adoption community at large. Jay and I knew
that we were getting very close to the top of the wait list and our director
had asked all families to make her aware of children that we were particularly
interested in and whose conditions we felt prepared to handle. We had fallen
pretty hard for a particular little one and we voiced this to her on several
occasions. The startling thing was, we were the only ones with intense interest
and after several months, it was nearly certain that when the file posted, we
would get the call and he would be ours. In fact, some at our agency even referred
to this child as “Ileah and Jays’ referral”. We had chosen not to review other children’s
files in anticipation of “our” little one. It truly felt like God was showing
us why our wait was so long….it was for THIS child. We were so certain about
“our referral” that we went so far as to tell others; family, friends, even our
son about this child and we kept photos of him close at hand. We knew his
paperwork would be coming up and it felt like our wait was finally almost
over….
Then about 2 months ago, my mom was diagnosed with
something terrible. I don’t even want to place a name on her diagnosis; I feel
like if you do, then that it somehow gains power like “the dark one” from the
Harry Potter films. I began attending multiple doctors’ appointments and
specialist visits and our adoption took on a new face….one of hope and
inspiration. In the next several months, our family was going to endure some
really tough stuff, but after that….we would have this little one to actually
hold. With any luck my mom would be recuperated and we would be traveling by
the end of the year. It became our light at the end of a very dark tunnel. I
remember taking a phone call from the agency at one of my moms' appointments
and she stopped everything, and hushed everyone, to hear potential word on our
little guy. The “diagnosis” was out of sight and mind during adoption related
phone calls, for all of us.
In hindsight, I should have known better. There are
no guarantees in life and particularly no guarantees with adoption. You want to
know the worst feeling through an adoption process? It’s hands down, loosing a
referral. Six days prior to this little ones file posting, making them legally
available for adoption and officially ours to accept… six short days…. was
enough time for another family to gain interest, a family who was technically
ahead of us on the list…and just like that, we were no longer considered for
him. They would get to review his file first, which they did. And just like us,
they fell deeply in love. They accepted his referral during one of the toughest
days throughout my moms ordeal. My hope and light through our seemingly helpless
and overwhelming situation was gone. We were back to the endless wait.
I took it really hard for the first couple of days,
we both did really. To me, it felt like a miscarriage. I have never experienced
a miscarriage, but for months we longed and dreamed and prepared for this particular
babe and suddenly it was over and he wasn’t ours anymore. Except, I still had
his face staring back at me from my phone, and his nursery which we had already
started to prepare, and worse yet, social media which allows us to watch as
another family documents their adoption of OUR baby.
I hate to admit this next part, but for several
days I doubted Gods intentions, His ways, and sadly His goodness. I could only
see our misery and the storm clouds swirling around us. I took my eyes off of
HIM, and just like Peter after stepping out on the waves, I began to sink. Oh ye
of little faith…I could almost hear his voice saying to me….
What is becoming obviously clear through the wait
is that this process is not just about an orphan getting a family, its not just
about a family getting a long anticipated child, and its not even just about
glorifying God through our journey…its about simple faith; Trusting what we can
not see, feel, or control. I think that’s what most of life’s trials are
really, a way to build faith that can withstand a hurricane. It is sometimes
easy to take big actions when you feel God calling you to do something, like
saying yes to adoption in the first place. What is not so easy is remaining
still when he calls you too. Everything in us wants to do SOMETHING…switch
agencies, review children through other sites, try and get pregnant, stop the
adoption process altogether….but God is not calling us to move, He is calling
us to something harder…to remain still. He has priorities for our lives and
right now, it’s not our adoption. Whether this time is for the care my mom
needs, or to build our character through patience and tribulations, or to grow
our faith, whatever the reason for this season, we need to wait on HIM, so we
will. He will come through, as He
always does in a more beautiful and profound way than we could have ever expected.
My agency is anticipating another several months
before the next group of kiddos post; I’m thinking October. We will likely not
travel until well into 2016 if we accept a referral within this group.
For now, we appreciate prayers for our family, particularly
for my mom, and for strength to carry on through the seemingly never-ending storm.
1 Samuel 12:16 “Now then, stand still and see this great thing the LORD is
about to do before your eyes!”
