The time has come! In less than 48
hours we start our literal Journey to Jude by jumping on a plane bound for the
other side of the world! I cant wait to share our adventure but for now I want
to concentrate on what life will be like when we return home. Jay and I have
done a lot of research on attachment and bonding with children from hard
places. A lot of people have offered encouraging words of how they think Jude
will do once he is with us, and while we appreciate them, we understand and
have educated ourselves on the likelihood of our upcoming challenges. You see,
the quality of parent/child attachment becomes a template for all future
relationships and core beliefs and it is for this reason that we are not just
“hoping for the best” but are researching and making deliberate actions to
ensure a healthy transition for Jude upon coming home.
Attachment for newborns is usually a
pretty seamless transition. Infants cry and parents meet their needs. This
cycle is repeated thousands of times in the early formative years of a child's
life and with each need met, trust is built. Parents are not only meeting
needs, but they show nurturing, caring, empathy and sympathy to their child and
this invites the child into a good quality relationship where the child learns
that they are important, loved, and cared for. Research has shown that the
first attachments yield life long templates for intimate relationships,
emotional awareness, social interactions, and self acceptance. Its HUGE!!
Attachment is the key for children learning to regulate their emotions,
frustrations, anxieties. Secure attachment helps children to learn to believe
they are lovable, that trusting in parents is wise, it helps them to remain
calm, solve problems, it reduces pain..i could go on and on and on…ITS
IMPORTANT!
Attachment begins in the first year
of life. But lets look at Jude's first year, at least what we know. He was
separated from his birth parents, spent the first few weeks in a hospital with
only nurses and doctors touching him, then placed in an orphanage, with
repeated hospitalizations and surgeries for his medical conditions. He was
later moved out of his home in the orphanage to a foster home (likely where he
sleeps at night, before returning to the orphanage during the day). And soon,
he will be thrust out of all of that as well. His attachment to anyone and
everyone he has ever met has had many breaks. Nothing has been permanent in his
life, not even people.
That’s why when we get home, we are
going to wall in our little one for a little while. We are going to show him
what family is like, what a momma and babba (daddy) are, and he is going to
learn that, through trust. He will learn to trust that we will feed him when he
is hungry, we will make sure all his needs are met, that when he cries we are
there to hold him and comfort him every time. That we are there when he falls
asleep and right there when he wakes back up. That we can be trusted every
second of every day to provide what is best for him. This may take some time
and we certainly will need your help. Here are a few things to keep in mind
when we return home.
1.)
REST: Cocooning is a respite
time for a newly adopted kiddo. It means making his world a whole lot smaller
for a little while. A lot of changes are happening and he will need rest to be
able to grow. We want to reduce stress as much as possible and we do this by
limiting new, over stimulating things for him. We plan on keeping comfort foods
he is used to, nursery rhymes in his native language, few outings, few toys, and
few visitors; which will lead me into number two. If and when we venture out
and Jude starts to get anxious or act out, we may politely leave and return to
his safety at home for some rest. Please be patient with us as we figure how
much rest he needs.
2.)
VISITORS: Jude needs to learn
to trust Jay and I so that he can become attached to us for all the reasons I
discussed above. For this reason we need to limit new people for awhile. He may
very well show indiscriminate affection towards any and all adults he
encounters. This was his survival mechanism in the orphanage. If he was cute
and cuddly, he likely got more attention, more food, ect. He needs to learn
that this is not needed anymore and he needs to know that mom and dad are safe
and where he should turn for all of his needs. In the same sense, if he tries
to hug or kiss any of you, please direct him towards us for that. He will
understand “momma and babba” and you can say this if he is attempting these
actions. When people do meet Jude, we ask that you allow Jay and I to be the
sole caretakers; we will be the ones to hold him, to give him food and drink,
to comfort him when he is sad, to give him toys. If you have a new toy for him,
please just give it to us and we will hand it to him (if we feel he is ready
for it). By all means, wave, smile, sit next to him on the floor, and play.
This wont be forever but just until he KNOWS who mom and dad are and how they
are different from everyone else. With all of this said, Jay and I would LOVE
visitors at the airport when we arrive home. We want people who have walked
this journey with us to be present for his arrival and we will likely need some
support ourselves after our long journey. We do get in late, however, so we
understand if you cant. Please ask Kurt, Jan, John, or Justin for details if
you would like to come. Additionally, Jay and I WILL need to have some adult time
when we are ready and will need some friends to come over after the boys are in
bed for some adult conversation! Please don’t stay far away!
3.)
JAYDEN: We are preparing
ourselves greatly for our transition with Jude but we are also preparing for
Jayden’s as well. We have been preparing him for 3 years now and he is SO
excited to be the big brother. We have prepared him for the hard stuff too, but
little man may need some extra love. Its hard not being an only child
anymore…or so I'm told! Please talk to and love on him first! Jude will be
watching and it’s a good sign if the big brother feels safe.
Thank you all for walking this
journey out with us! You generosity, kindness, and love have kept us going
through it all. It takes a village!
Adoption: “God uses us, mere humans,
to solve a seemingly insurmountable human problem. Confusion, frustration, and
exhaustion are inevitable and unavoidable-but He is faithful and good and right
there with you”.
